As a normal young adult, I have normal and decent personal career goals. I pursue higher ed to become a lecturer and maybe combine it with a civil servant--or in another word, a public university lecturer. I enjoy doing some researches (excluding the publishing part) and I am okay with teaching, especially online teaching, especially online teaching with college student whose easier to handle somehow. I was expecting some struggle to get there but things went out of hand.
After I've got my master's degree, I finally realized that it wasn't an easy ride. It was much much harder than I thought, the chances were very low and I rarely been in the kind of situation where I have zero confidence. I was naive and didn't know how to face some serious failure. I don't want to explain more, in the end, I gave up very easily.
To be super honest here, I kind of regret it. Kind of. But not that much. Because you know, I know there will be a long shot like my mother's case. Perhaps, people might think I waste some potentials but I know myself better. I know what type of person I am.
I am the type of person who finds it hard to deal with uncertainty in important, consequential matters. That's why I need to combine my lecturer-goal with 'civil servant', because I haven't learned to be brave enough to stay at a private university. This caused me to ended up trying something else, applied in a completely new area, took that unfamiliar civil servant exam ...and mysteriously, it worked. Not that I am sad, of course I am happy, but confused at the same time.
After being wishy-washy, I made up my mind to take this journey first and see where it brings me. The reasons why I choose to accept this opportunity are very shallow, actually. Two main things are, I thought I won't be that busy, so that the second thing can be achieved; I want to be a wonderful mom someday, to raise my children well, have time for them while still have a stable job. I don't know... these stereotype are very hard to break.
I have met many new moms (neomamma) in my career-life. They are like 26-29 years old with a toddler. And they kind of agree that it's simply impossible to have both: excellent career in excellent corporate and excellent mother. They started to give up in the early stage. I know there are so many rare cases where the neomamma can survive fantastically at the expense of some things, but that is, perhaps, not my style?
I don't know, in the end, I just want to do good enough after all, wherever I be. I won't bury my dream, for sure. In this unpredictable world, I know one day a nice chance can come into sight and I hope at that time, I am ready to catch.
